I guess the moral of this story is that you should not believe everything you read. I got to work that morning at about 10:30 a.m., which was still pretty early for me. I was pretty tired because I stayed up late the night before reading a book on how to become "the target of a man's affection."

The book tells you to become a man's "target,” not by chasing him, but by going places where he is and "aggressively and persistently" doing things to make him notice and want you. It didn’t take long for me to find out that this was a load of bull.

When I walked into the office that morning, I heard the secretaries talking about how they were missing some things from their work areas. One was missing a file she left on the floor near her trashcan. Another was missing a plastic food container and a water bottle. The theory was that the new cleaning people had thrown the stuff away.

I went to my office and went through my morning routine. I answered my email, checked my horoscope, ordered my breakfast and pre-ordered my lunch. The problems started when I went to water Pookie -- my plant and best friend. I never give Pookie tap water to drink. I always give her fresh spring water from the office water cooler. I figured that if the water from the bathroom wasn’t good enough for me to drink, then it was certainly not good enough for my little Pookie.

I went to get Pookie's cup, so I could get her water from the cooler, but I couldn't find the cup anywhere. I was distraught. Pookie loved that cup. I had been using it to water her for years and now it was gone. I figured that the cleaning demons must have thrown it away. Since Pookie's cup was gone, I decided that instead of using another cup to bring water to Pookie, I would just bring Pookie to the water.

I grabbed Pookie and walked to the water cooler. I put her under the little spout and lifted the handle. I thought that I actually heard Pookie breath a sigh of relief when the water dripped out of the spout onto her leaves. She was probably experiencing the same joy that a child experiences while running though a sprinkler in the summertime. Unfortunately, the water ran out before I could finish watering Pookie.

As I stood there with Pookie under the spout, praying for a miracle, what's-her-name from the mailroom came up behind me. She lectured me about how I was wasting spring water by using it to water my plant. She whined and complained about how spring water was expensive and that this was the last jug until the next delivery. You would have thought she was paying for the water out of her own little pocket the way she was carrying on.

As what's-her-name continued to whine about the proper usage of spring water, a really cute guy in a uniform came up behind us with a cart full of water jugs. He said, "I'm here to bring you water." It was a miracle! There was a patch on his uniform with the name "Gary" on it. Gary was so hot, I thought I might have a heat stroke. As I stood there checking him out, Gary reached over and gently and lovingly caressed Pookie's leaves and said, "This is an absolutely beautiful plant." At that moment, I reached an all time low -- I was jealous of a plant.

Before I could come up with an equally nasty comment, she took off toward the boss' office. I went back to my office, where I had a great view of the cooler. I overheard Gary and the other guy making plans to hang out at a bar in my neighborhood. After they finished unloading the bottles and left the office, I went back to the water cooler to finish watering Pookie.

As I got up to walk out of my office, I saw my boss approach the cooler. She stuck a sign on it and then walked away. I went over to the cooler to check out the sign. It said, "The spring water is for drinking purposes only. No watering plants! The Management." That jerk from the mailroom ratted me out.

  Why couldn't I be the "target of a man's affection" as opposed to constantly being the target of my boss' memos and signs? I have been the subject of memos about inappropriate necklines, “food explosions” in the microwave and countless other things. The boss should do something productive like put signs on all the garbage cans in the office directing the cleaning demons not to throw out our stuff.

Anyway, after reading that ridiculous sign, I was even more determined to become the target of Gary's affection. My first idea was to show up at that bar wearing a blouse that was so revealing, I’d have to use tape to make sure the fabric covered my boobs. After I thought about it, I changed my mind. I was afraid I might accidentally rip off a nipple while taking off the tape. With the way my life was going, Gary would turn out to be a breast man and I'd be plum out of luck.

I went to the bar that night wearing a slinky, black dress and a green boa. I saw Gary as soon as I walked into the bar. I walked over to where he was and I leaned up against the wall in a sexy pose. There were guys standing behind him as if they were forming a line to get to me. Gary then said, like he was annoyed or something, “Miss, you have to move." I looked at him dead in his eyes and said, “No! I will not move.” I was stern and persistent just like the book said.

Gary’s facial expression changed from annoyance to anger and he said, “Look! You have to move. I don’t want to hurt you.” I thought he was just saying that because he wanted to be in a relationship with me, but he was afraid he’d hurt me. I asked him why he thought he would hurt me and his answer made me feel like a complete idiot. He pointed behind my head and said, “Because you are standing in front of the dart board.”

THE END